I used to think I would be happy to slow down later on in life.. To spend the next few decades burning as bright as i can, reach as far as i can. Then take the safe stable seat for the last few decades. And now, I suddenly don't want that anymore.


I want to spend the rest of my life, short, long, happy, sad, chasing down every single one of my dreams. Each and every one of them.. There's no expiry date on dreams right? Unless I'm trying to be a child actress or something. Snorts.

When I give my heart, I give in it's entirety. It's always all or nothing for me. And tts how I've gained so much and lost so much..

And so, I left my heart and soul in London. And unlike people, London can't quite break my heart can it? And even though I wanna go to NYC, London feels like it's my home. I keep saying I want to go home. I don't feel comfortable here anymore. It's not a hate or like thing really.. I was comfortable in my own skin there. I learned to accept things, I learned to let go of my tight control and let myself float.. And to my surprise, things turned out better when I could let go. I am disgusted with myself when I plop onto e grass in a park and then bolt upright in fear of bugs. I hate being so uptight. I want to breathe deeply and easily. Take in the cold crisp air, run into the unknown, unafraid and undaunted.

I did consider fashion once. I do so love making things with my hands after all.. But thinking abt it now, while I love fashion, gorgeous clothes, pretty shoes and new bags, sometimes it feels so empty? The continuous chase for beauty and ideals leaves a bad taste in my mouth sometimes. And while I do not think it is fair for ppl to judge others for being fashionable or wanting to look good, at the same time, I can understand why ppl think fashion can be materialistic and superficial. especially in light of the current state of this world.


I hope I get a long call break next yr. Tohoku ni ikitai desu.

I'm disappointed. So disappointed. It is always the same story isn't it? That's how it is gonna be eh.


And yet, despite it all, I felt good. For the first time in a very long time in this country, standards didn't matter. It felt great really.

the three and a half days was pure soul-food. international friends we are (:

let's go off my love, run off into a large city, just the two of us. we'll live in a flat together, go to weekend markets, listen to gigs sitting down among the standing crowd, explore the world, meet a curly-haired musician at the corner of the street, walk hand in hand in the sunset, take pictures year after year of us smiling brilliantly together, run around in the snow - probably with me having to lend you clothes. you're amazing you know that? everything makes sense.. you to me, me to you. and the world to us. i wish it was now 2014. i wanna run away with you now.

since when did being happy become so difficult?

Ten years of our lives have just gone by. Just like that. Watching the screen fade out on harry, hermione & ron made something inside of me seize and clench with nostalgia, wistfulness and sadness. From dressing up as harry and draco for stef's birthday, to movie dates, to sirius and remus, to queuing up at kino at 5 in e morning for e last book.

The nostalgia had me staring at two photos e whole night. One on fullerton bridge, e other on top of a pig. I want those crazy special moments again. Where we'd do anything for each other. Anything fir the others to smile. It feels like everything is being taken for granted now. I didn't spend half my life getting so angry with you, feeling so hurt by you, hurting you, yelling at each other like lunatics, cry because of you, cry with you, stand by you, fly all over the world for you and loving all of you, just to have it wither and fade into nothing like this. I don't think I can call this my home anymore if that does happen.